According to a new report published by the Priory, over, 3.6 million adult children of alcoholics have to bare the consequences of being raised by alcoholic parents According to ‘Suffer the Children’, a new report published today (Monday 4 September) by the Priory, there are currently over 3.6 million adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) in the UK who bear the emotional, behavioural and cognitive scars that are a direct result of being raised by alcoholic parents.
Journalist Lauren Booth, who was raised in an alcoholic home, said, “After I finished reading ‘Suffer the Children’ I cried for a long, long time. Aspects of my character, memories from my own childhood and, most startlingly, fears about my own ability to parent were clearly laid out in black and white. It’s absolutely true that the children of alcoholics have little knowledge of what normal is. So how can we create our own happy families? Reading this report I recognised in myself traits of the Hero child, having fought to both hide and compensate for my parents’ sickness and never ever stopping to see if I was all right. I now realise how many of my personal relationships have been sabotaged in ways described by the Priory report. Finally, I must at last accept that my own relationship with alcohol is unhealthy. In a different way than my parents’ addiction, certainly, but unhealthy enough for me to take action today. Adult children of alcoholics have a duty (and a need) to break this cycle of unhappiness and abuse. We can give our own lovely children a better life and better life chances.”
Priory addictions expert Dr. Michael Bristow said, “There is a widespread misconception that addiction is all about the addict, that it is solely the addict who suffers from his illness. The reality? Alcoholism affects the adult alcoholic’s entire family, particularly the children. One in 25 parents drinks heavily, including those who binge drink, which means that one million British children currently live with parents who have serious alcohol issues. Alcohol abuse is a multigenerational issue - generation after generation, children of alcoholics suffer from and, as adults, frequently perpetrate, destructive family systems that ruin lives.”
Abused children, addicted adults
Parental alcohol abuse contributes to child abuse and abused children are at increased risk for becoming alcoholics in adult life and for abusing their offspring. There is also a genetic component to alcoholism that makes children of alcoholics four times more likely to develop alcoholism than those from non-alcoholic homes.
The reported rates of alcohol abuse in physically or sexually abusive families range from 25 to 84 per cent. 55 per cent of family violence occurs in alcoholic homes, incest is twice as likely among daughters and sons of alcoholics than their peers and alcohol is a factor in 90 per cent of child abuse cases. In one study of adult daughters of alcoholics, 31 per cent of respondents experienced physical abuse as children, 19 per cent were victims of sexual abuse and 38 per cent witnessed spousal abuse. These rates are three to four times higher than for women raised in non-alcoholic families.
70 per cent of ACOAs develop patterns of compulsive behaviour around alcohol, drugs, food, sex, work, gambling or spending and they are three to four times more likely to become alcoholics than the general adult population. 50 per cent of ACOAs marry alcoholics.
“Up to five per cent of all adults in the UK, or 2.3 million people aged 20+, are alcoholics,” said Dr. Bristow. “While clinicians working with addicted patients have long recognised the distinct problems afflicting ACOAs, the issue has never reached the millions of British children and adults who need to understand and overcome their dysfunctional legacies. The aim of ‘Suffer the Children’ is to raise awareness of the millions of people whose lives have been shattered by parental alcohol misuse - the children and adult children of alcoholics - and to offer them hope.”
“The cycle of alcoholism and abuse can be stopped. Alcohol dependency can be successfully treated at all stages if the person is willing to change. Rehabilitation is a positive, life-changing process that can transform the alcoholic parent and the alcoholic family system,” Dr. Bristow said.
The Priory
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Saturday, 9 February 2008
Family Dynamics
ACOA's have a much higher propensity to develop alcoholism than their peers who are not children of alcoholics. So although a person may not exhibit alcoholic behavior, if one or both parents are alcoholic, then the children are at a much higher risk to develop this disease. Whether someone crosses the line from alcohol abuse into alcohol dependence depends on the effect of alcohol on their brain chemistry. The genetic predisposition to addictive disease increases the risk in women by two and in men by 4, such that a woman with at least one parent with addictive disease has a 50% greater chance of becoming addicted to mood altering chemicals than a woman without a parent with addictive disease. A male child with at least one addicted parent has a 4 time greater change of becoming addicted to alcohol and other mood altering chemicals.
When a parent is active in their addiction, family dynamics change to accommodate the drinking pattern. This accommodation deeply affects children while at home and for years after they are grown and leave home. The way a child learns to navigate relationships in their family while growing up will be the pattern they use in navigating relationships in the world in general. While trying to adapt to the unpredictability produced by an unpredictable and sometimes chaotic home, family members adopt roles in an effort to cope with the dysfunctional family system. These roles remain consistent whether the family is dysfunctional as a result of alcohol and other drug abuse, gambling or a catastrophic illness.
“Functional or Healthy” Families and “Periods of Dysfunction”
Any life stressor can impact a family so roles must be adapted. The fact that a stressor impacts a family is not the reason for dysfunction because every family has stressors that upset the harmony of the family from time to time. When the stressor hits the family, usual family roles and interactions change and an imbalance may result. “Periods of dysfunction” are normal in healthy families. These chaotic periods occur when family dynamics change as family members
adapt to stages of life, i.e., birth of a new baby, a child going to college, someone has surgery.
These dysfunctional periods are not “bad” or “shameful” for a family. They simply are periods when family interactions during the period of stress may feel chaotic to it’s members. For example, Every family experiences such periods.
“Dysfunctional Families”
“Periods of “dysfunction”“ do not necessarily make the family a “dysfunctional family”. A family becomes a “dysfunctional family” when the family interactions during “period of dysfunction” extend over a period of time to become the usual or normal way the family functions.
This discussion will focus on an alcoholic family. Each family member is affected by the behavior of the person with addictive disease. By developing behavior that causes him or her the least amount of personal stress, each member adapts. The alcoholic suffers self-delusion from the effects of his drinking, and the other members also suffer self- delusion. As the alcoholism progresses, each member represses his/her feelings and assumes behavior conducive to survival.
The dependent person is the one who is has addictive disease, traditionally termed alcoholism or alcoholic. This disease is two fold: a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The mental obsession is expressed by efforts to rationalize use of alcohol in spite of negative consequences experienced. The physical allergy is the brain chemistry that demands the person use more mood altering chemicals so the person is comfortable in their own skin. This person develops a defense system to protect a storehouse of repressed feelings. This wall conceals the drinker's true feelings and allows a life trapped in self-absorption and self- delusion.
Survival roles within the family can be characterized as follows: chief enabler, family hero, scapegoat, lost child and mascot.
The chief enabler is usually the spouse or parent of the alcoholic. The role of the enabler is to provide responsibility. As the alcoholic gradually loses control, the chief enabler makes more choices to compensate for the dependent's lack of power.
The family hero can see and hear more of what is really happening in the family and begins to feel responsible for the family pain. The hero tries to improve the family's situation. However, because of the increasingly progressive nature of the disease, the hero consistently loses ground, and begins to feel inadequate. The obvious (visible) success of the hero masks these feelings of inadequacy. One way of compensating is by over- achieving. An over- achiever is a person who is never satisfied with the results of work; who is unable to set reasonable priorities for herself; and whose self- - esteem is based upon other people's approval. Over- achievers have trouble taking proper care of themselves. It is important to remember to take the time for recreation and relaxation, and to insure adequate rest and proper eating habits, in addition to striving for success. The family hero provides self- worth for the family.
The scapegoat is the one who is in the family's public eye. This child has learned that in this family, one is not rewarded for who one is, but rather for how one performs. The scapegoat is most in touch with feelings and is sometimes called the symptom bearer of the family. The scapegoat becomes a rebel and often gets attention for the destructive ways(by running away, getting pregnant or just being stubborn and withdrawn). This child will challenge the addicted parent and take the brunt of physical or verbal violence in an effort to protect another family member. The role of the scapegoat is to bring focus to the family, so this child will run afoul of the legal system, the school system and society in general, as if sacrificing themselves in an attempt to bring attention to the crisis in the family.
The lost child has learned not to make connections within the family. This child spends much time alone or quietly busy. This is the safest role, as it is unlikely to cause trouble for self or others. Most people fail to notice the lost child, as this child is not likely to receive much attention. A parent will frequently say, “Well, at least I do not have to worry about Mary or John,” because it appears the family does not have to worry about this child. The lost child is, however, is the child most out of touch with feelings and is most susceptible to suicide. The role of the lost child is to provide relief.
The mascot brings some fun into the family. This child provides relief for the family by being funny or cute. No one takes this child too seriously because the child appears happy most of the time and not affected by the seriouslness of the situation. Mascots are often cute, fun to be around and able to use humor to survive in this painful family system. The mascot brings distraction when fighting between parents might happen. With hypervigilence, watching for any sign of trouble, the mascot can defuse trouble before it gets out of hand. The personal needs of the mascot are set aside in order to keep the family distracted from the painful situation.
Often, children in dysfunctional families assume traits of more than one role. These roles can occur even if the problem does not surface until the child has left home.
These roles of the family were coined by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse in her classic book: Another Chance: Hope and Health of the Family of the Alcoholic , 1976 available from http://www.sharonwcruse.com/ or major bookstores.
A second book from a pioneer in the field of addicted family systems was Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz in 1983.
When a parent is active in their addiction, family dynamics change to accommodate the drinking pattern. This accommodation deeply affects children while at home and for years after they are grown and leave home. The way a child learns to navigate relationships in their family while growing up will be the pattern they use in navigating relationships in the world in general. While trying to adapt to the unpredictability produced by an unpredictable and sometimes chaotic home, family members adopt roles in an effort to cope with the dysfunctional family system. These roles remain consistent whether the family is dysfunctional as a result of alcohol and other drug abuse, gambling or a catastrophic illness.
“Functional or Healthy” Families and “Periods of Dysfunction”
Any life stressor can impact a family so roles must be adapted. The fact that a stressor impacts a family is not the reason for dysfunction because every family has stressors that upset the harmony of the family from time to time. When the stressor hits the family, usual family roles and interactions change and an imbalance may result. “Periods of dysfunction” are normal in healthy families. These chaotic periods occur when family dynamics change as family members
adapt to stages of life, i.e., birth of a new baby, a child going to college, someone has surgery.
These dysfunctional periods are not “bad” or “shameful” for a family. They simply are periods when family interactions during the period of stress may feel chaotic to it’s members. For example, Every family experiences such periods.
“Dysfunctional Families”
“Periods of “dysfunction”“ do not necessarily make the family a “dysfunctional family”. A family becomes a “dysfunctional family” when the family interactions during “period of dysfunction” extend over a period of time to become the usual or normal way the family functions.
This discussion will focus on an alcoholic family. Each family member is affected by the behavior of the person with addictive disease. By developing behavior that causes him or her the least amount of personal stress, each member adapts. The alcoholic suffers self-delusion from the effects of his drinking, and the other members also suffer self- delusion. As the alcoholism progresses, each member represses his/her feelings and assumes behavior conducive to survival.
The dependent person is the one who is has addictive disease, traditionally termed alcoholism or alcoholic. This disease is two fold: a mental obsession and a physical allergy. The mental obsession is expressed by efforts to rationalize use of alcohol in spite of negative consequences experienced. The physical allergy is the brain chemistry that demands the person use more mood altering chemicals so the person is comfortable in their own skin. This person develops a defense system to protect a storehouse of repressed feelings. This wall conceals the drinker's true feelings and allows a life trapped in self-absorption and self- delusion.
Survival roles within the family can be characterized as follows: chief enabler, family hero, scapegoat, lost child and mascot.
The chief enabler is usually the spouse or parent of the alcoholic. The role of the enabler is to provide responsibility. As the alcoholic gradually loses control, the chief enabler makes more choices to compensate for the dependent's lack of power.
The family hero can see and hear more of what is really happening in the family and begins to feel responsible for the family pain. The hero tries to improve the family's situation. However, because of the increasingly progressive nature of the disease, the hero consistently loses ground, and begins to feel inadequate. The obvious (visible) success of the hero masks these feelings of inadequacy. One way of compensating is by over- achieving. An over- achiever is a person who is never satisfied with the results of work; who is unable to set reasonable priorities for herself; and whose self- - esteem is based upon other people's approval. Over- achievers have trouble taking proper care of themselves. It is important to remember to take the time for recreation and relaxation, and to insure adequate rest and proper eating habits, in addition to striving for success. The family hero provides self- worth for the family.
The scapegoat is the one who is in the family's public eye. This child has learned that in this family, one is not rewarded for who one is, but rather for how one performs. The scapegoat is most in touch with feelings and is sometimes called the symptom bearer of the family. The scapegoat becomes a rebel and often gets attention for the destructive ways(by running away, getting pregnant or just being stubborn and withdrawn). This child will challenge the addicted parent and take the brunt of physical or verbal violence in an effort to protect another family member. The role of the scapegoat is to bring focus to the family, so this child will run afoul of the legal system, the school system and society in general, as if sacrificing themselves in an attempt to bring attention to the crisis in the family.
The lost child has learned not to make connections within the family. This child spends much time alone or quietly busy. This is the safest role, as it is unlikely to cause trouble for self or others. Most people fail to notice the lost child, as this child is not likely to receive much attention. A parent will frequently say, “Well, at least I do not have to worry about Mary or John,” because it appears the family does not have to worry about this child. The lost child is, however, is the child most out of touch with feelings and is most susceptible to suicide. The role of the lost child is to provide relief.
The mascot brings some fun into the family. This child provides relief for the family by being funny or cute. No one takes this child too seriously because the child appears happy most of the time and not affected by the seriouslness of the situation. Mascots are often cute, fun to be around and able to use humor to survive in this painful family system. The mascot brings distraction when fighting between parents might happen. With hypervigilence, watching for any sign of trouble, the mascot can defuse trouble before it gets out of hand. The personal needs of the mascot are set aside in order to keep the family distracted from the painful situation.
Often, children in dysfunctional families assume traits of more than one role. These roles can occur even if the problem does not surface until the child has left home.
These roles of the family were coined by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse in her classic book: Another Chance: Hope and Health of the Family of the Alcoholic , 1976 available from http://www.sharonwcruse.com/ or major bookstores.
A second book from a pioneer in the field of addicted family systems was Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Geringer Woititz in 1983.
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
Love the Wounded Child Within
Loving the Wounded Child Within (By: Robert Burney MA)
It is through having the courage and willingness to revisit the emotional dark night of the soul that was our childhood, that we can start to understand on a gut level why we have lived our lives as we have. It is when we start understanding the cause and effect relationship between what happened to the child that we were, and the effect it had on the adult we became, that we can Truly start to forgive ourselves. It is only when we start understanding on an emotional level, on a gut level, that we were powerless to do anything any differently than we did that we can Truly start to Love ourselves. The hardest thing for any of us to do is to have compassion for ourselves.
As children we felt responsible for the things that happened to us. We blamed ourselves for the things that were done to us and for the deprivations we suffered. There is nothing more powerful in this transformational process than being able to go back to that child who still exists within us and say, It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just a little kid.
"As long as we are judging and shaming ourselves we are giving power to the disease. We are feeding the monster that is devouring us. We need to take responsibility without taking the blame. We need to own and honor the feelings without being a victim of them. We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children - and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control. And they are not supposed to be abused and abandoned. We have been doing it backwards. We abandoned and abused our inner children. Locked them in a dark place within us. And at the same time let the children drive the bus - let the children's wounds dictate our lives."
When we were 3 or 4 we couldn't look around us and say, Well, Dad's a drunk and Mom is real depressed and scared - that is why it feels so awful here. I think I'll go get my own apartment. Our parents were our higher powers. We were not capable of understanding that they might have problems that had nothing to do with us. So it felt like it was our fault. We formed our relationship with ourselves and life in early childhood. We learned about love from people who were not capable of loving in a healthy way because of their unhealed childhood wounds. Our core/earliest relationship with our self was formed from the feeling that something is wrong and it must be me. At the core of our being is a little kid who believes that he/she is unworthy and unlovable. That was the foundation that we built our concept of self on. Children are master manipulators. That is their job - to survive in whatever way works. So we adapted defense systems to protect our broken hearts and wounded spirits. The 4 year old learned to throw tantrums, or be real quiet, or help clean the house, or protect the younger siblings, or be cute and funny, etc.
Then we got to be 7 or 8 and started being able to understand cause and effect and use reason and logic - and we changed our defense systems to fit the circumstances. Then we reach puberty and didn't have a clue what was happening to us, and no healthy adults to help us understand, so we adapted our defense systems to protect our vulnerability. And then we were teenagers and our job was to start becoming independent and prepare ourselves to be adults so we changed our defense systems once again. It is not only dysfunctional, it is ridiculous to maintain that what happened in our childhood did not affect our adult life. We have layer upon layer of denial, emotional dishonesty, buried trauma, unfulfilled needs, etc., etc. Our hearts were broken, our spirit's wounded, our minds programmed dysfunctionally. The choices we have made as adults were made in reaction to our childhood wounds/programming - our lives have been dictated by our wounded inner children. (History, politics, success or lack of success, in our dysfunctional society/civilizations can always be made clearer by looking at the childhoods of the individuals involved. History has been, and is being, made by immature, scared, angry, hurt individuals who were/are reacting to their childhood wounds and programming - reacting to the little child inside who feels unworthy and unlovable.) It is very important to realize that we are not an integrated whole being - to ourselves. Our self concept is fractured into a multitude of pieces. In some instances we feel powerful and strong, in others weak and helpless - that is because different parts of us are reacting to different stimuli (different buttons are being pushed.) The parts of us that feel weak, helpless, needy, etc. are not bad or wrong - what is being felt is perfect for the reality that was experienced by the part of ourselves that is reacting (perfect for then - but it has very little to do with what is happening in the now).
It is very important to start having compassion for that wounded part of ourselves. It is by owning our wounds that we can start taking the power away from the wounded part of us. When we suppress the feelings, feel ashamed about our reactions, do not own that part of our being, then we give it power. It is the feelings that we are hiding from that dictate our behavior, that fuel obsession and compulsion. Codependence is a disease of extremes. Those of us who were horrified and deeply wounded by a perpetrator in childhood - and were never going to be like that parent - adapted a more passive defense system to avoid confrontation and hurting others. The more passive type of codependent defense system leads to a dominant pattern of being the victim. Those of us who were disgusted by, and ashamed of, the victim parent in childhood and vowed never to be like that role model, adapted a more aggressive defense system. So we go charging through life being the bull in the china shop - being the perpetrator who blames other people for not allowing us to be in control. The perpetrator that feels like a victim of other people not doing things right - which is what forces us to bulldoze our way through life. And, of course, some of us go first one way and then the other. (We all have our own personal spectrum of extremes that we swing between - sometimes being the victim, sometimes being the perpetrator. Being a passive victim is perpetrating on those around us.) The only way we can be whole is to own all of the parts of ourselves. By owning all the parts we can then have choices about how we respond to life. By denying, hiding, and suppressing parts of ourselves we doom ourselves to live life in reaction.
A technique I have found very valuable in this healing process is to relate to the different wounded parts of our self as different ages of the inner child. These different ages of the child may be literally tied to an event that happened at that age - i.e. when I was 7 I tried to commit suicide. Or the age of the child might be a symbolic designator for a pattern of abuse/deprivation that occurred throughout our childhood - i.e. the 9 year old within me feels completely emotionally isolated and desperately needy/lonely, a condition which was true for most of my childhood and not tied to any specific incident (that I know of) that happened when I was 9. By searching out, getting acquainted with, owning the feelings of, and building a relationship with, these different emotional wounds/ages of the inner child, we can start being a loving parent to ourselves instead of an abusive one.
We can have boundaries with ourselves that allow us to: take responsibility for being a co-creator of our life (grow up); protect our inner children from the perpetrator within/critical parent (be loving to ourselves); stop letting our childhood wounds control our life (take loving action for ourselves); and own the Truth of who we really are (Spiritual Beings) so that we can open up to receive the Love and Joy we deserve. It is impossible to Truly love the adult that we are without owning the child that we were.
In order to do that we need to detach from our inner process (and stop the disease from abusing us) so that we can have some objectivity and discernment that will allow us to have compassion for our own childhood wounds. Then we need to grieve those wounds and own our right to be angry about what happened to us in childhood - so that we can Truly know in our gut that it wasn't our fault - we were just innocent little kids.
It is through having the courage and willingness to revisit the emotional dark night of the soul that was our childhood, that we can start to understand on a gut level why we have lived our lives as we have. It is when we start understanding the cause and effect relationship between what happened to the child that we were, and the effect it had on the adult we became, that we can Truly start to forgive ourselves. It is only when we start understanding on an emotional level, on a gut level, that we were powerless to do anything any differently than we did that we can Truly start to Love ourselves. The hardest thing for any of us to do is to have compassion for ourselves.
As children we felt responsible for the things that happened to us. We blamed ourselves for the things that were done to us and for the deprivations we suffered. There is nothing more powerful in this transformational process than being able to go back to that child who still exists within us and say, It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong, you were just a little kid.
"As long as we are judging and shaming ourselves we are giving power to the disease. We are feeding the monster that is devouring us. We need to take responsibility without taking the blame. We need to own and honor the feelings without being a victim of them. We need to rescue and nurture and Love our inner children - and STOP them from controlling our lives. STOP them from driving the bus! Children are not supposed to drive, they are not supposed to be in control. And they are not supposed to be abused and abandoned. We have been doing it backwards. We abandoned and abused our inner children. Locked them in a dark place within us. And at the same time let the children drive the bus - let the children's wounds dictate our lives."
When we were 3 or 4 we couldn't look around us and say, Well, Dad's a drunk and Mom is real depressed and scared - that is why it feels so awful here. I think I'll go get my own apartment. Our parents were our higher powers. We were not capable of understanding that they might have problems that had nothing to do with us. So it felt like it was our fault. We formed our relationship with ourselves and life in early childhood. We learned about love from people who were not capable of loving in a healthy way because of their unhealed childhood wounds. Our core/earliest relationship with our self was formed from the feeling that something is wrong and it must be me. At the core of our being is a little kid who believes that he/she is unworthy and unlovable. That was the foundation that we built our concept of self on. Children are master manipulators. That is their job - to survive in whatever way works. So we adapted defense systems to protect our broken hearts and wounded spirits. The 4 year old learned to throw tantrums, or be real quiet, or help clean the house, or protect the younger siblings, or be cute and funny, etc.
Then we got to be 7 or 8 and started being able to understand cause and effect and use reason and logic - and we changed our defense systems to fit the circumstances. Then we reach puberty and didn't have a clue what was happening to us, and no healthy adults to help us understand, so we adapted our defense systems to protect our vulnerability. And then we were teenagers and our job was to start becoming independent and prepare ourselves to be adults so we changed our defense systems once again. It is not only dysfunctional, it is ridiculous to maintain that what happened in our childhood did not affect our adult life. We have layer upon layer of denial, emotional dishonesty, buried trauma, unfulfilled needs, etc., etc. Our hearts were broken, our spirit's wounded, our minds programmed dysfunctionally. The choices we have made as adults were made in reaction to our childhood wounds/programming - our lives have been dictated by our wounded inner children. (History, politics, success or lack of success, in our dysfunctional society/civilizations can always be made clearer by looking at the childhoods of the individuals involved. History has been, and is being, made by immature, scared, angry, hurt individuals who were/are reacting to their childhood wounds and programming - reacting to the little child inside who feels unworthy and unlovable.) It is very important to realize that we are not an integrated whole being - to ourselves. Our self concept is fractured into a multitude of pieces. In some instances we feel powerful and strong, in others weak and helpless - that is because different parts of us are reacting to different stimuli (different buttons are being pushed.) The parts of us that feel weak, helpless, needy, etc. are not bad or wrong - what is being felt is perfect for the reality that was experienced by the part of ourselves that is reacting (perfect for then - but it has very little to do with what is happening in the now).
It is very important to start having compassion for that wounded part of ourselves. It is by owning our wounds that we can start taking the power away from the wounded part of us. When we suppress the feelings, feel ashamed about our reactions, do not own that part of our being, then we give it power. It is the feelings that we are hiding from that dictate our behavior, that fuel obsession and compulsion. Codependence is a disease of extremes. Those of us who were horrified and deeply wounded by a perpetrator in childhood - and were never going to be like that parent - adapted a more passive defense system to avoid confrontation and hurting others. The more passive type of codependent defense system leads to a dominant pattern of being the victim. Those of us who were disgusted by, and ashamed of, the victim parent in childhood and vowed never to be like that role model, adapted a more aggressive defense system. So we go charging through life being the bull in the china shop - being the perpetrator who blames other people for not allowing us to be in control. The perpetrator that feels like a victim of other people not doing things right - which is what forces us to bulldoze our way through life. And, of course, some of us go first one way and then the other. (We all have our own personal spectrum of extremes that we swing between - sometimes being the victim, sometimes being the perpetrator. Being a passive victim is perpetrating on those around us.) The only way we can be whole is to own all of the parts of ourselves. By owning all the parts we can then have choices about how we respond to life. By denying, hiding, and suppressing parts of ourselves we doom ourselves to live life in reaction.
A technique I have found very valuable in this healing process is to relate to the different wounded parts of our self as different ages of the inner child. These different ages of the child may be literally tied to an event that happened at that age - i.e. when I was 7 I tried to commit suicide. Or the age of the child might be a symbolic designator for a pattern of abuse/deprivation that occurred throughout our childhood - i.e. the 9 year old within me feels completely emotionally isolated and desperately needy/lonely, a condition which was true for most of my childhood and not tied to any specific incident (that I know of) that happened when I was 9. By searching out, getting acquainted with, owning the feelings of, and building a relationship with, these different emotional wounds/ages of the inner child, we can start being a loving parent to ourselves instead of an abusive one.
We can have boundaries with ourselves that allow us to: take responsibility for being a co-creator of our life (grow up); protect our inner children from the perpetrator within/critical parent (be loving to ourselves); stop letting our childhood wounds control our life (take loving action for ourselves); and own the Truth of who we really are (Spiritual Beings) so that we can open up to receive the Love and Joy we deserve. It is impossible to Truly love the adult that we are without owning the child that we were.
In order to do that we need to detach from our inner process (and stop the disease from abusing us) so that we can have some objectivity and discernment that will allow us to have compassion for our own childhood wounds. Then we need to grieve those wounds and own our right to be angry about what happened to us in childhood - so that we can Truly know in our gut that it wasn't our fault - we were just innocent little kids.
Saturday, 2 February 2008
Are You an ACOA?
Like it or not, our parents have an impact on our behavior in ways that we may not even realize. When a parent is an alcoholic, the impact on their children can have consequences that follow them into adulthood. If one or both of your parents had a drinking problem while you were growing up, you are an Adult Child Of an Alcoholic (ACOA).
Take this quiz and see just how much their drinking has affected your adult life. Keep track of the number of questions you answer with a YES, and add up your score before consulting the score sheet below:Keep track of the number of questions you answer with a YES, and add up your score before consulting the score sheet below:
Add up your score:
0 - 6 You're handling things very well. Just keep an eye on yourself to make sure you don't fall into potential trouble zones. Examine your answers and see if they have a theme. Look at the issues that create the most problems, whether it be in your relationships (questions 13 - 20), or struggling with your own identity (questions 1-12).
7 - 14 Things aren't terrible, but they could be better. No need to settle for "not terrible," however. Make the effort to raise your self-esteem and clear out the obstacles that are getting in the way of fulfilling your dreams.
15 - 21 The past is casting a heavy shadow over you. Sadness, fear, and frustration rear their heads all too often. Don't sweep your feelings under the rug. It's time to face what's going on so that you can turn it around. Get out from under by getting help. It is possible to change old patterns! Yes to #21 You are following in your parent's footsteps. Don't let your parent's addiction overwhelm your life. Don't give up on yourself. To stop the cycle, seek help now.
Courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW
Take this quiz and see just how much their drinking has affected your adult life. Keep track of the number of questions you answer with a YES, and add up your score before consulting the score sheet below:Keep track of the number of questions you answer with a YES, and add up your score before consulting the score sheet below:
- Is it difficult for you to identify, understand, or express your feelings?
- Do you judge yourself more harshly than you do others?
- Do you have an extremely strong sense of responsibility?
- Do you feel guilty when you stand up for yourself?
- Do you find yourself afraid of or intimidated by people, particularly authority figures?
- Is the approval of others often more important to you than your own preferences or beliefs?
- Are thrills and excitement a necessary part of your life?
- When someone gets angry at you, do you shrivel inside?
- Does personal criticism make you feel as though you're under attack?
- Do you often find yourself feeling isolated and alone?
- When things go badly, do you feel like a victim?
- Can you answer 'yes' to a lot of questions found on an "are you an alcoholic" questionnaire although you never pick up a drink?
- Are you more concerned for others than for yourself?
- Do you find yourself constantly trying to rescue others, whether it's a friend, relative or lover?
- Are you uncomfortable with intimacy and revealing yourself to another person?
- Do you find yourself hanging onto relationships that aren't healthy?
- Have you ever confused pity for love?
- Are you currently involved with an alcoholic?
- Are you currently involved with any kind of compulsive personality - such as a workaholic?
- Have you ever been involved with an alcoholic or a compulsive personality?
- Do you have a drinking problem?
Add up your score:
0 - 6 You're handling things very well. Just keep an eye on yourself to make sure you don't fall into potential trouble zones. Examine your answers and see if they have a theme. Look at the issues that create the most problems, whether it be in your relationships (questions 13 - 20), or struggling with your own identity (questions 1-12).
7 - 14 Things aren't terrible, but they could be better. No need to settle for "not terrible," however. Make the effort to raise your self-esteem and clear out the obstacles that are getting in the way of fulfilling your dreams.
15 - 21 The past is casting a heavy shadow over you. Sadness, fear, and frustration rear their heads all too often. Don't sweep your feelings under the rug. It's time to face what's going on so that you can turn it around. Get out from under by getting help. It is possible to change old patterns! Yes to #21 You are following in your parent's footsteps. Don't let your parent's addiction overwhelm your life. Don't give up on yourself. To stop the cycle, seek help now.
Courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW
Expressions of Love
How many of you who have grown up in dysfunctional families remember spontaneous expressions of love and caring?
How often were you hugged?
How easily are you able to hug another person?
Sadly, for the adult children of dysfunctional families, the answers are usually "not very often" and "not very easily." Luckily, I think that for many people warmth is a tool that can be learned. In many ways, one can integrate a habit into one's lifestyle. If you have grown up in a family where you have never heard the words "I love you," you need to make it a practice and habit to say "I love you" within your current family and support system. Many of us just do not think of saying I love you, and therefore, if you want to achieve this new behavior, you need to consciously focus on integrating the behavior into your life. One of the most heart wrenching stories I have heard over the years was from a man who grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and a narcissistic self-involved mother. He related to me how when he was eleven years old, he cut himself while playing in the yard, and in his panic and fear, rushed into the house. His mother, rather than comforting him and taking care of him shrieked and scolded him instead with the words: "You're bleeding all over my rug! Get into the bathroom now." She then proceeded to focus on trying to get the blood stains out of her rug, while the eleven year old boy tended to his wounds as best he could. When people have memories like these, it is very very hard to ask for warmth, and to trust warmth that is offered freely. One of the biggest achievements I've seen people make in their therapy work is to learn when they need to ask for a hug rather than get into a fight with their partner. One of the joys in life are warm and affectionate relationships with the people we love. For so many of us, this is a learned skill and one we struggle to sustain and maintain.
One of the difficulties people have in recovery from dysfunctional families is that growing up in these families, we learn what I call TWISTED THINKING. It is very difficult to get over twisted thinking when you have been raised with that kind of attitude. In an alcoholic family, there is often a notion that if you encourage a child to aspire, you will encourage a "swelled head." Similarly, if you tell a child how wonderful they are, you will make them conceited. This kind of twisted thinking goes on in a dysfunctional family. In a dysfunctional family, if you tell someone you love him or her, they will become accustomed to it and just take you for granted. Similarly, if another member of the family tells you they love you, you will wonder what they want from you. This is also twisted thinking. The overall climate in many dysfunctional and alcoholic homes is one where celebration and festivity is not encouraged, unless it is within the confines of "cocktail hour." Children are given utilitarian gifts rather than what they want, and gift-wrapping is often seen as a frivolous expense. If you help a child with their homework, they will "never" learn to do it on their own. If your child does not want help with their homework, they are ungrateful. All these examples of twisted thinking create confusion and a lack of knowledge about how to create warmth, support and friendship in our lives. Let's take Bill*, a man who has been in recovery for fourteen years. He tells me that each time his wife is either affectionate or upset he has to fight his impulses to react with the repertoire of behaviors he learned in his alcoholic family. The behaviors Bill learned in his dysfunctional family include:
Bill has, at the same time, worked hard on integrating a repertoire of warm and affectionate behaviors with his wife. Bill combats the baggage from his dysfunctional upbringing with active choices including:
How often were you hugged?
How easily are you able to hug another person?
Sadly, for the adult children of dysfunctional families, the answers are usually "not very often" and "not very easily." Luckily, I think that for many people warmth is a tool that can be learned. In many ways, one can integrate a habit into one's lifestyle. If you have grown up in a family where you have never heard the words "I love you," you need to make it a practice and habit to say "I love you" within your current family and support system. Many of us just do not think of saying I love you, and therefore, if you want to achieve this new behavior, you need to consciously focus on integrating the behavior into your life. One of the most heart wrenching stories I have heard over the years was from a man who grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and a narcissistic self-involved mother. He related to me how when he was eleven years old, he cut himself while playing in the yard, and in his panic and fear, rushed into the house. His mother, rather than comforting him and taking care of him shrieked and scolded him instead with the words: "You're bleeding all over my rug! Get into the bathroom now." She then proceeded to focus on trying to get the blood stains out of her rug, while the eleven year old boy tended to his wounds as best he could. When people have memories like these, it is very very hard to ask for warmth, and to trust warmth that is offered freely. One of the biggest achievements I've seen people make in their therapy work is to learn when they need to ask for a hug rather than get into a fight with their partner. One of the joys in life are warm and affectionate relationships with the people we love. For so many of us, this is a learned skill and one we struggle to sustain and maintain.
One of the difficulties people have in recovery from dysfunctional families is that growing up in these families, we learn what I call TWISTED THINKING. It is very difficult to get over twisted thinking when you have been raised with that kind of attitude. In an alcoholic family, there is often a notion that if you encourage a child to aspire, you will encourage a "swelled head." Similarly, if you tell a child how wonderful they are, you will make them conceited. This kind of twisted thinking goes on in a dysfunctional family. In a dysfunctional family, if you tell someone you love him or her, they will become accustomed to it and just take you for granted. Similarly, if another member of the family tells you they love you, you will wonder what they want from you. This is also twisted thinking. The overall climate in many dysfunctional and alcoholic homes is one where celebration and festivity is not encouraged, unless it is within the confines of "cocktail hour." Children are given utilitarian gifts rather than what they want, and gift-wrapping is often seen as a frivolous expense. If you help a child with their homework, they will "never" learn to do it on their own. If your child does not want help with their homework, they are ungrateful. All these examples of twisted thinking create confusion and a lack of knowledge about how to create warmth, support and friendship in our lives. Let's take Bill*, a man who has been in recovery for fourteen years. He tells me that each time his wife is either affectionate or upset he has to fight his impulses to react with the repertoire of behaviors he learned in his alcoholic family. The behaviors Bill learned in his dysfunctional family include:
- panic
- hypersensitivity
- paranoia
- fear
Bill has, at the same time, worked hard on integrating a repertoire of warm and affectionate behaviors with his wife. Bill combats the baggage from his dysfunctional upbringing with active choices including:
- Telling his wife he loves her
- Hugging his wife
- Complimenting his wife (not so easy when you grow up in a criticism-only household)
- Giving his wife small gifts - ranging from something as simple as freshly baked bread to a rose to a verbal reflection of how well she is doing at a given time
Showing interest in his wife -- asking how her day was, how she feels, what's going on in her head - Remembering things that are important to his wife.
He did not develop these skills without work. He had to start with a written reminder list which he worked with every day for a long time. He now goes through a mental checklist each and every day. When he is in doubt about how to behave, he simply thinks of what his father or mother would have done. Then proceeds to do the opposite. A good way to begin to integrate warmth and positive affection in your relationships is to make an appreciation list of the qualities you admire in your significant other.
Courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW
Twisted Thinking
One of the joys in life is having warm and affectionate relationships with the people we love. For so many of us, this is a learned skill and one we struggle to sustain and maintain. One of the difficulties people in recovery have to overcome is that growing up in alcoholic families, we learn what I call twisted thinking. It is very difficult to get over twisted thinking when you've been raised with that kind of attitude. In an alcoholic family, there is often a notion that if you encourage a child to have high aspirations, you will encourage a "swelled head." By the same token, if you tell a child how wonderful they are, you will make them conceited. These are examples of twisted thinking. In an alcoholic family, if you tell someone you love them, there is the idea that they will become accustomed to it and just take you for granted. By the same token, if another member of the family tells you they love you, you will wonder what they want from you. This is also twisted thinking. The overall climate in many alcoholic homes is one where celebration and festivity are not encouraged, unless it is within the confines of "cocktail hour." Children are given utilitarian gifts rather than what they want, and gift wrapping is often seen as a frivolous expense. If you help a child with their homework, they will "never" learn to do it on their own. If your child does not want help with their homework, they are ungrateful. All these examples of twisted thinking create confusion and a lack of knowledge about how to create warmth, support, and friendship in our lives. Fortunately, we can learn to recognize and change our thinking. We can learn the tools for developing warm, affectionate, caring, and honest relationships in our lives.
Courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW
Courtesy of Mark Sichel, LCSW
Starting A Support Group for Adult Children of Alcoholic's
I am an MA Social Work student and an adult child of an alcoholic mother.
As a support worker and counsellor, I have worked in a therapeutic capacity with HIV positive children and sexually abused adults and have noticed that Young Children & Adult Children of Alcoholics are often over looked both in terms of research and therapeutic services. I find that there is a lack of understanding and support for adult children of alcoholics.
Which is shameful as the dysfunctional family/household does affect the child and later what kind of adult the child becomes.
Therefore, I would like to start a support group based in London (close to Canary Wharf).
The group will offer an opportunity for Adult Children of Alcoholics to express themselves and share feelings in a non-judgmental, empathetic and caring environment with like minded people.
Although, this area of research is undeveloped both in social work and psychology, there are common characteristics that Adult Children of Alcoholics find they often carry into adulthood as the result of their childhood and upbringing:
• Guessing at what normal behavior is.
• Having difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
• Lying when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
• Judging themselves without mercy.
• Having difficulty having fun.
• Taking themselves very seriously.
• Having difficulty with intimate relationships.
• Overreacting to changes over which they have no control.
• Constantly seeking approval and affirmation.
• Usually feeling that they are different from other people.
• Extreme responsibility or irresponsibility.
• Extreme loyalty, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
• Impulsivity - tending to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsivity leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
• Fear or anxiety problemsIf you feel that you might benefit please get in touch.
The support group is free of charge and will be limited to a small group. If you would like to join the group, please get in touch via email: adultchildrenofalcoholics@live.co.uk
If you are an adult survivor: Find your inner child and give her love, remember to be as kind as to yourself as you are to others. Good Luck with your life journey.
In addition to starting up the support group, I hope to use this blog as a space to express the pain of growing up with an Alcoholic mother and how to this day my relationships are still affected by my early dysfunctional relationship with my mother and absent father.
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